INNER BONDING- Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child By Margaret Paul Full Book Summarize

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About Book

Every person is struggling with some or the other problem. It could also be due to a bad experience or a bad childhood. You may say that there is nothing you can do about it. What has passed cannot be changed. But here you are wrong. You can still get over the things you don’t talk about. You have to start it by being your own parent. This summary will show you how to do that.

Who Should Read This Summary?

  • People who have faced trauma in childhood
  • People who are unhappy with themselves
  • People who feel incomplete

About the author

Dr. Margaret Paul is an author, public speaker, and educator. He has written many self-help books himself and in collaboration with others. Dr. Margaret believes in self-healing and emphasizes finding the root cause of one’s pain.


What were you taught when you were young? You were taught to tie your shoelaces. You were taught to be humble. You were taught to read and write. But were you taught how to love yourself?

Maybe this question has made you think. The concept of loving yourself has been adopted recently. But in the olden times it was considered rubbish, which was not considered a special thing.
But many people are struggling with the lack of love that they should have received in their childhood and this lack of love has turned them into angry, sad and lonely people.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. This summary will help you heal your inner child. It will make you understand that you can still get the love, care and attention that you yearn for since childhood and most importantly, you don’t need a parent for all this. You may very well be your own parent.

Finding the Life We Lost in Living: Understanding Inner Bonding

Tom’s life is pretty special. He is on a good post in his job. They don’t need to save money to buy whatever they want whenever they want. His life is such that people get jealous. But Tom still feels sad. They feel that no matter how much they achieve, it will not be enough for them.

This emotion hurts Tom a lot. They don’t understand how to express it properly. That’s why this pain comes out in the form of anger. He always yells at his employees for everything. He is always angry. After all, the CEO of the company had to intervene in this matter. Tom was an asset to the company. But it was very important for him to control his anger otherwise he could lose his job.

For this Tom was asked to take therapy. But he didn’t want to go there. He said that this is a useless thing. But he had no other option. If he did not go, he would have been fired from the job. So he met author Margaret Paul. Margaret discovered how stressed and overworked Tom was. He said that Tom needs to learn to take better care of himself.

This surprised Tom. Often people are unable to learn their thoughts after growing up. As a child, Tom had to shield his mother and sister from harm. His father was a heavy drinker. Growing up, Tom never really thought about taking care of himself.

Even if one’s childhood is not bad, but loving oneself is also not common. It doesn’t seem normal to ask someone to love themselves. As a child, you may have ignored or denied any pain you experienced. That’s because when faced with a bad emotion, you didn’t know what to do. Your default response was to just let it pass.

But this indifference will increase with time. It will come to you after you grow up. You will not consider yourself worthy of the love and kindness coming your way. The result of this will be that you will start rejecting people and isolating yourself. You’ll become like Tom, who got angry at everything.

So is there anything you can do to heal your childhood hurt? the answer is yes. This can be done through inner bonding. Inner bonding is the process in which you, as an adult, connect with your inner child. Inner bonding is giving yourself the love that you never got in your childhood. It is an attempt to understand and resolve your indecisiveness.

Yes, you have an inner conflict with yourself. This conflict is between your thinking and feelings. This thinking determines what you should do and what you should feel. Suppose when you do something, you do not think about your feelings. Many times you also deny your feelings. This creates a conflict within you. You feel disconnected. Your inner child starts feeling the pain once again.

But who is your inner child really? Your inner child is that aspect of you which is vulnerable. He is delicate and sensitive. Your inner child can be considered as your gut instinct. He is full of wonder and imagination. He is full of feelings and is intuitive. Now as an adult, you forget to keep your inner child aside. In today’s world, when only logic and knowledge are needed, then who has time for feelings? But your inner child has its own needs and you have to fulfill these needs through inner bonding.

Taking the Road Less Traveled: The Inner Bonding Process

Your feelings and vulnerable side is your inner child. It gives more importance to your feelings and experiences. Your inner adult sees your logical side. It gives importance to action and knowledge.

In the example from the previous chapter, the adult inside Tom was more powerful. This is the condition of many people. You get busy struggling throughout life. You have absolutely no time to understand your emotions. How do you do that when you’re trying your best to juggle so many problems that come with being an adult?

But there is always time to heal yourself. Taking care of your inner child doesn’t make you less of an adult. In Inner bonding, you have to let go of the misconceptions that you created when you were young. You have to understand that the things you were taught earlier may not always be true. Inner bonding is connecting your logical and emotional aspects.

Are you having trouble understanding how your inner child and inner adult live inside you? Let’s say you wake up because of the alarm clock. It’s Monday, and you realize you have a project to work on. This is the adult inside you telling you. It is the voice of your inner wisdom and logic. But at the same time you think that you can work well only when you are fresh after completing your sleep. It is your inner child speaking.

It is talking to oneself that a person does when he has more than one choice to choose from. People often choose not to pay attention to their inner child and this creates conflict within them. By giving some time to listen to both your inner child and adult, you will be able to choose the better and right option.

How do you start the inner bonding process? It has five steps-
The first step is to identify the conflict within you. In other words, when you feel something, acknowledge it. For example, what you feel after eating too much can be called an uncomfortable feeling. You are feeling pain because of the excessive food you have eaten.

Despite this, you kept eating even after you were full. You stopped eating only when you could not eat another bite. This is what happens with adults when it comes to feelings. He keeps pushing himself and ignores his feelings. Because of this the child inside them suffers. They may use wrong methods in an attempt to suppress this pain and suffering. This means they may get addicted to sex or gambling.

Your feelings give signals to your body. You need to start paying attention to these signals. Maybe when you are anxious, you start feeling weak in your legs. When you are under stress, you may feel tightness in your chest. Pay attention to these signals.

The second step is to respond like a loving adult. Once you have recognized and accepted these feelings, then your response should come from a desire to learn. It means you have a desire to know why the child inside you is feeling this way. Show that you are interested in her, you want to take care of her, you empathize with her.

Ask yourself what’s the matter? You can also ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Stop telling yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling.

The third step is, talk to your inner child. Unleash your inner child while you’re paying attention to how your feelings affect your body. Express yourself the way children usually do.

The fourth step is to say it with full power. At this time, now you understand the feelings inside you. If you’re comfortable, you can seek help from a therapist to help you deal with your feelings. But you can also seek help from a divine force—i.e. God.

Many people take refuge in the God they believe in. But in addition to one big strength, you should also ask yourself two questions. First, what is the truth of this feeling that is giving me pain? Second, what loving behavior can I use in this situation?

You will not get the answers immediately. You have to give time to think about these questions and in the end, the answers will come to you automatically. This will help you understand why you are feeling what you are feeling. Furthermore, these answers will take you to the fifth and final step.

The fifth step is to take action. If you don’t take any action, all that self-talk will go to waste. It takes loving treatment to reconnect with your inner child and your inner adult. Loving behavior is about confronting the misconceptions that you have from childhood. Some people may not agree with the way you express your love. But there is no problem in this. You are treating and taking care of yourself.

Like whenever you fight with your boyfriend, you feel bad. You can’t talk to her without crying. You feel like you can’t breathe. You are scared of getting into a fight or an argument with him. You start believing that you are a weak person.

But it is your inner child who is talking. Listen to him. The first step would be to pay attention to the signal that your body is giving you. Like your heart palpitations, feeling of tightness in your chest. You feel stressed every time you think about coming out to your boyfriend.
Instead of ignoring those signals, take yourself to the next step. The second step is to understand what these body signals mean. Don’t ignore this feeling. Give free rein to your inner child.

Inner bonding is telling yourself that what you are feeling is right. You are allowed to express your feelings without any judgement. Can you tell why I feel like this? This is not an accusation, but an opportunity to know yourself more.

Now you want to know why you are feeling that way and this is the third step. Why confronting someone scares you so much? Why does just thinking about it make you feel weak? Many people find this step easy when they look at their childhood photos. They find it easier to remember how they used to react, feel and think as a child.

Talk to your inner child as if it is a separate person. You can start the conversation by saying how you feel. You say that you are angry and stressed. You can then ask your inner child why she is feeling this way and she will reply that fighting with someone reminds her of her parents. If you and your boyfriend quarrel, it means that both of you will separate. And this is what happened with your parents.

Then further the child inside you says that she is also afraid that your boyfriend doesn’t love you anymore. If you fight, you will soon part ways and the child inside you is very scared of the thought of being alone.

Just because you’ve had a fight with someone doesn’t mean that person will leave you. The child in you doesn’t know this because she was never taught it. He only knows this from his own experience. This happened to your parents when you were young. It is your inner adult’s job to help your inner child understand that this thinking is wrong.

The fourth step is to talk to a higher power. This is the time when you ask for someone’s guidance or help. Ask yourself the question and think deeply about the answer. Those questions could be, What is it that is causing me pain? What does my inner child need right now to feel loved? What should I do?

The truth in this situation is that quarrels are common. You cannot say yes to your partner on everything. But the fear you feel of a fight is false. No person will leave you just because of a fight. Your boyfriend will not leave you just like that.

This is the stage when you have to give love and kindness to your inner child. Make him feel that someone is paying attention to him. Help him to understand that he is not being ignored but you are helping him to come out of his negative feeling.

The fourth step usually takes time. You will not get the answers automatically. You have to constantly talk to your inner child. The fifth and final step can be done only when you know which loving behavior is needed by your inner child.

You need to understand that taking action is something that only you can do. You have to be that person who makes your inner child and inner adult feel safe and loved. You are still deserving of the love and care that is usually reserved for children and you should not be ashamed of wanting it.

Loving behavior can be in the form of affirmations. Talking to your boyfriend scares you but even in a fight, he never hurt you physically or verbally. You can see that he still loves you and cares for you. Tell yourself that you deserve to be loved. No one can leave you easily. You are capable in every way and deserve to be loved.

Heading for Home: Parenting, Reparenting, and Staying Bonded

Only a few people are lucky enough to have a good childhood. This happens when all their needs are met. Jane always had food to eat three times a day. They used to get snacks to eat. His parents also used to pay attention to him. He was never afraid to show his emotions. Whatever she felt, her parents not only supported her but also understood her. After growing up, Jane became an emotionally stable, confident and self-confident person.

Some of us are not so lucky. Duke is a great example of this. In childhood, his parents did not pay any attention to him. His parents never paid attention to him, because he was always engaged in drinking. Duke had to be his own parent, which is a huge burden on a 5-year-old. He did not know how to face the difficulties in his life. Duke grew up to be a drug addict and gambler.

No matter how bad your childhood was, there is still hope for a better life. You can still be the parent you never got to be when you were a kid. This is called reparenting. Make your inner child feel that someone loves him, someone pays attention to him, someone is taking care of him, someone supports him.

Reparenting begins with stopping blaming. What’s past is past, you can’t change it, so you need to stop blaming your parents, and yourself, for your bad childhood.

Instead, reparenting focuses on how you can ease the pain of your inner child. You have the power to do something about your situation in the here and now. Don’t miss this chance to learn something from your inner child. You both can heal through this together.

You need a lot of love to be a parent. As impossible as it may sound to you, it may be that you find it difficult to love your inner child. This is because you don’t find your inner child loveable right now. This thinking of yours can come inside you from your parents. Maybe your parents love you because you used to get good numbers or maybe you obeyed them in everything. That’s why your attitude towards love has always been conditional.

But there are no conditions in real love. You should love the child and human being inside you because it deserves to be loved.

If this still seems difficult, imagine that you have adopted the child and she is a four year old. She’s aloof and lonely, and doesn’t respond to your calls most of the time. It is also justified for her to do so, because she has been neglected and abused before. So he finds it difficult to trust people.

Create a safe environment for that adopted child of yours. There should be no criticism, threats of abandonment and shame in it. If she makes a mistake, correct her lovingly. Instead of getting angry at his tantrums, try to understand him and help him learn the right things. Above all, give her lots of love and care.

Personal Power: Loving Your Inner Child When You Are Alone

Being alone is one of the scariest things for some people. Such people always try to be in a relationship so that they never have to feel lonely. They feel that they cannot be complete in themselves. Being alone can trigger your inner child and you may remember feeling rejected as a child.

Being alone is not something you should be afraid of. If you are scared of that, then you just need to be a loving parent to your inner child.

Take Bert, for example. After 34 years of married life, his wife Dorothy decided to leave him. She was tired of meeting Bert’s physical and emotional needs. Both husband and wife had their own business. When Dorothy’s business starts doing well, Bert becomes irritable and when Dorothy makes new friends because of her business, Bert is annoyed.

Bert was living on the support of Dorothy. He was putting the burden of feeding them, being their friend and partner. It was a huge responsibility that no one could take. So Dorothy leaves Bert.

Bert was depressed for a long time. But one day he came across one of Margaret Paul’s self-help books and decided to try inner bonding therapy. Through the Inner Bonding process, Bert went back to his childhood. He remembered that his mother had taught him to be dependent on her. His mother provided for his every need and she also used to say that Bert did not know how to do anything for himself. That’s why Bert gradually became dependent on his mother.

He wanted to live the same relationship with Dorothy as he had with his mother. He needed someone on whom he could depend. But through the inner bonding process, Bert realized that he did not need anyone else to fulfill his needs. He can do all this himself. He can give the child inside him all the attention, care and love that he needs.

Through constant dialogue with his inner child, Bert realized that he was never incomplete. His mother had made him feel like this. But this was not true. Over time, Bert sought the help of a support group that helped people who were dependent on others. He also made some friends there. Slowly, Bert turned his life around. He started exercising and started focusing on his business.

You can be happy and successful even alone. Society has always exaggerated the need to be in a relationship. But you can live well alone, and it’s easier to do so when you ask your inner child what makes them happy.


First of all, you learned that loving yourself is something that you are not taught. It is considered useless. But many adults struggle with a lack of self-love. This shows in their relationships, career and how much they perceive themselves to be.

If you don’t learn to love yourself, you become irritable and unhappy. You will live your whole life thinking that you are not capable or that you are lacking in something.

Second, you learned that the first step to loving yourself is inner bonding therapy. Inner bonding means connecting with your inner child. Your inner child is your sensitive, emotional and vulnerable side.

Giving importance to what your inner child wants is not a weakness, but it is very important so that you can live a good life.

Third, you learned about the inner bonding process. It has five steps. First, identify your inner conflict. Second, respond as a loving adult. Third, talk to your inner child. Fourth, talk to a higher power. Fifth, take action for it.

Fourth, you learned that you can parent like you never did when you were a kid. This is called reparenting. Reparenting involves meeting the needs of your inner child. It is to make her feel loved, nurtured, and supported. Reparenting can be done through the inner bonding process.

It is very wrong that some of us do not have good childhood. To love is something that should happen naturally. But it’s never too late to love yourself. This makes you feel more confident, you are happier. And above all, it makes you realize that you are the only person you need.

Finally, if you have reached the end of this summary, then Congratulations, there are very few people who invest time on knowledge, otherwise you could have wasted time elsewhere. See you soon with a new summary

Jai Hind

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